Having a long lasting relationship with your partner is not a day’s job, and no one is exactly perfect at it. Everyone is busy trying to be better, but there are days when you won’t get it right.
For women they have relationships that are fleeting; they simply just come and go, and so they are at a loss of where they had gone wrong and why it didn’t work in the first instance. It is also common to hear excuses such as men are jerks and don’t deserve to be loved. Other excuses could include blaming men for cheating or not correctly doing what they are supposed to do. All these excuses are mostly focused on the negatives rather than the positives or that it just didn’t work out.
Though this excuses could be valid to some extent, however, in reality, some women are also at fault too. Some women are indeed the cause of why their men act the way they do. Don’t get me wrong, you may be trying your best, but the fault could still be from you.
This is a bitter pill of truth, but we must swallow it. In my opinion, women who have or want to have a good lasting relationship with their partners are women who do not do the following things or make the following mistakes
1. You don’t have your self-value:
This is an area that is relatively common among most women. Most of the time, women don’t know the completeness they bring into a relationship hence they settle for men who don’t give a crap about them or men who usually treat them poorly.
Dear woman, it is my duty to tell you that you have yourself pride and don’t be afraid to own it. Do you always find yourself in a relationship where you constantly have to prove to him why you are useful? Do you find yourself in a relationship with a guy you always have to put up with his nonchalant attitude about you? Do you find yourself in a relationship where he maltreatment you but you are still clinging up to him?
If your answers to these questions are yes, then sweetheart you are not alone, and the solution to your problem is simply your, and worth is seriously deficient. You, my dear, don’t know your self-worth.
The truth is there are two basic needs in the life of a man, and they are the need to be loved and the need to know that you are enough. The fears of man also centre around this needs: fear of being not enough and the fear of not being loved.
Let’s be honest with each other here. You will remain single, or you will keep bouncing around the wrong guys until you discover your worth. Until your mentality and mindset changes, you are going to be in the singles club for a long time.
You know what’s funny? No man on this earth would want to keep a woman who allows him to treat her so shabbily and poorly. So in reality, if you continue to let yourself be disrespected all in the name of trying to keep a man around, you, my dear are simply shooting yourself in the foot. You are only sabotaging your happiness because for as long as you have this mindset, you won’t get married. You will be stuck in the singles club for years or decade till you can work on this.
You may upon reading this become angry and irritated, and I’m sorry for being so blunt, but I’m also not sorry for trying to tell the truth. You deserve all the love you get. You are in no way unlovable. You are priceless, and you must realise it too.
All the love you truly deserve can get to your hands once you decide to fix this aspect. You need to realise that any man who is with is lucky to have you in their lives. You can have this mindset and be subtle and not proud about it because, in as much as you have yourself confidence, no man likes an overconfident woman.
2. You always over depend on the masculine energy around you:
There are many career women out there who are quite successful in fact, very successful in what they do; however they can’t keep a man. You would see doctors, lawyers, pilots and so on who are females and are successful in every area apart from one; their relationship.
You may be wondering what the problem is and ironically, their problem comes from the fact that they doubt their self-worth. Do you notice a pattern here? Here are women who are successful but are wondering if they are capable of making a man happy or keeping a home.
And so they always channel this energy into their career to feel needed hence their huge focus and significant successes. This problem can even get relatively worse if they are single parents who have one or two kids to cater for.
This is because they are the sole provider for the kid or kids as the case may be and their entire day is spent trying to do their side of the bargain as well as the male part. Hence, they find themselves not needing a man or even if they finally get into a relationship, they discover that they might be competing with the man at home.
The truth is while you as a successful career lady find yourself constantly dominating and playing the masculine role, you need to be careful so that you would be able to come back to your feminine role. And here is where the vast problem lies.
The truth is the more time you spend trying to show that you can do it all by yourself and you don’t need a man, the more the man sees it and regularly excuses himself seeing as he is no longer required in the relationship hence he finds no reason to stay in it.
Unless you plan to reconstruct your mindset and re-evaluate your stance, you may always find out that you are going from one relationship to another and worse still, you aren’t getting any younger.
Except if you are opting out for the position of being a sugar mama, don’t be afraid to show your vulnerability sometimes to your man. It will help you a lot, and likewise, it will help him realise that you still need him. The key to everything is a balance, and in this instance, you must apply balance as well. Find the middle ground between being independent and being dependent on your man. You will be grateful you did.
3. You don’t understand men:
Women who understand the mindset of a man, their genetic makeup, their basic needs, as well as how they think often find it incredibly easy to please their men as well as turn them from frogs to princes.
No man wants a frustrated or jagged woman who nags him all day long. No one likes a woman who continually disrespects him or doesn’t get him. You see, here is one fact we as women must understand. Men are simple creatures while we are the complex ones.
If you know how to respect a man and treat his ego right, he will do right by you. There are two basic things men want, and they include respect and ego. If you don’t go against the two, they are willing to serve you till the ends of the earth, and however, if you are always in constant battle with them, they would treat you the way they treat their competition.
Once you can understand your man, appreciate him and respect him, you will bring out his best side and not his worst. The reverse will be the case if he always sees you as his competitor. He will deal with you in such a manner, and you would end up hating him.
Here is what I’m saying; “Treat and respect your man like a king, and he would regard you as his queen as well as treat you as such”. You must understand this basic principle well enough and apply it to see its effectiveness.
4. All you want to do is change your man:
If you can’t accept your man for who he is, then why are you in that relationship? There is nothing that turns off a man than meeting a woman who he always wants to impress only for her to turn around and make him her “science project”; something she is still trying to fix.
Don’t get me wrong, you can decide to tweak your man a little and polish him up to your taste but you trying to change him is not just going to work. For example, there are subtle ways of teaching a man things of which he would appreciate you for.
But if you are continually criticising the way he dresses, insulting how he eats, ridiculing his grooming habits as well as appearance; sooner or later, that man is going to head for the door and trust me, he is never coming back.
There are ways to groom your man because by nature women are caretakers, but once you become too obvious or too demanding about it, it is not going to be a pretty site for anyone. At best, once you always offer unrequited suggestions, they are usually unwelcome and at worst, it becomes emasculating and a total disaster.
People always want to be seen, known, loved and appreciated for who they are. If you are still enjoying the fact that you insult him about his clothes, the way he eats, how he doesn’t brush his hair correctly and so on; if you are always teasing him, passing unwanted comments, dishing out unsolicited suggestions and so on, let me ask you a question: How would you feel if the situation were reversed?
5. You are hardly appreciative of what men do for you:
Remember we talked about women who don’t know their self-worth in mistake no 1, well, another set of women who are often categorised as the worst are women who are self-centred.
Women who always go on believing that men owe them something are women who will always end up with different men and never get settled. We need to realise that for a man to spend his time, money, talents, and all other things with her is a big deal and it doesn’t hurt to offer a “thank you” in appreciation.
You may be surprised to know that there are women who see the fact that men spend these with them as their “entitlement and rights” and so why must they be grateful? Understand this well. No one is entitled to anyone’s time, money and so on.
The mere fact that anyone offers it is merely as a gesture of love and goodwill. Another point that may shock you is that there are women who are in a relationship or even multiple relationships just for the prizes and gifts they receive; they count it as their trophies.
It is not surprising to note that there are women who often accept a dinner date only because it serves as a free dinner. Hence they ask for the most expensive things on the menu, eat, merry and enjoy only for them to disappear or become extremely busy when the man asks them out again perhaps to his house or a less expensive restaurant.
These are the kind of women who are called “Gold diggers” because truth be told, they are only there for the wealth. They don’t care to offer thanks for the gesture of their men, and one thing we must realise about men is that once they notice you are not appreciative or you are taking them for granted, they will begin to look for the next exit out of that relationship.
Are you in this kind of category and you are wondering why men don’t stay? Don’t stress yourself. All you only need to do is have the attitude of gratitude. Ladies, what if the cases were reversed and you are on the receiving end? You must know that you are not the only creatures that can develop trust issues. Men also develop them although they have a spectacular way of hiding it.
If this is the way you treat men or you think about men, hold on. Your days in the single club are just getting started. Once you begin to take advantage of people only for your gain, you become unattractive and a gold digger. It is as simple as that.
6. You never share your gifts:
It has been said that the very essence which the masculine gender centres around is to protect and provide. In fact, this is what they live for, and they derive so much joy in doing it. You would often see them under certain conditions willing to risk their lives and their health if that is what it takes to provide and protect those they love.
Most times, one of the leading causes of depression in elderly men is the fact that they have seemingly lost their purpose and their ability to provide after retirement. Asides depression, they may also end up suffering from anxiety, and can even die prematurely when they realise that they are no longer useful in the lives of those they claim to love.
To love and protect their family, friends and loved one is their original design and plan. To them, this is their hardware of life and death. However, what do you think the essence of the female gender is?
Unlike men who are centred around two things, women are focused around three. Hence, the very essence of the feminine gender is to nurture, care and look after the men. These are the three things that make up the fundamental nature and being of a woman.
Relationships are all about reciprocating love. It is a matter of giving and taking. While the men give their fundamental essence of protection and provision, the female likewise have to give out their gift which is to nurture, care and look after them.
Now, if you are the type who is always interested in taking than giving, you will not last long in that relationship. This is because it gets to a point where your man will notice that his efforts are one-sided hence they become futile to him.
You probably would have read or heard about the five love languages. If you are not bringing anything to the table or if you don’t understand the love language of your man and know what he would consider very dear to him and that he would discard easily, then you have no business being in that relationship.
For you to be relevant in your relationship, you must figure out what you can bring to the table. Don’t always be about taking and taking all the time. Even if he is still continually offering, though he may not ask of it from you, secretly he wishes you would also bring something to the table as well. Failure to do that on time, your man might just be taking a walk out the door never to return.
7. You are the drama queen of all time:
If all you do is instead of creating memories, you give him is drama, then you can kiss that man goodbye. No man can stand the show. It may be amusing at first, but it becomes pretty much annoying as time passes. Men are simple creatures whose thought processes majorly include logic and reason. You see, within that mix of logic and reason, they don’t have time to be worked up always.
Hence they prefer women who give them peace. Men prefer to prove their worth and value by solving problems and making things easy for those who love them. They don’t need you adding to their headaches because they have already got a truckload of it.
Whenever they aren’t working, they always tend to be laid back, patient and easy going. Likewise, they hate to put in efforts to something, and it goes down the drain. We all hate that as well. Now, whenever you are getting all emotional and upset, their first logic is to solve the problem and move on quickly
However, once they notice that it becomes a constant thing, they tend to walk away. So just so you know, if you are the queen of drama and tears, if all you do is to break down and cry, if you keep trying to seek attention by emotionally blackmailing him, then he is in for the short term.
The reason is simple. His brain sees you as a constant problem that he has to deal with. He starts to see you as emotional baggage instead of an asset. Trust me, with time; he will get tired, kiss you goodbye, head out the door and never come back.
If you certainly don’t want that to happen, then it is time to get your emotions in check. No one likes a constant wailing baby; no one wants a nag. Everyone wants peace of mind so if you want him to stay, become his peace and he will love you eternally.
8. Trust is an issue for you:
One fundamental key to a relationship is trust. It is often said that if there is no trust, there is no relationship. If your man can’t trust you to have his back and he has yours, then there is no point in that relationship.
If he has to build a future with you, he must have that deep conviction that you respect and trust him likewise he does you. Look at it this way. Inside every little boy is the sincere desire to grow and become a hero. For every good man out there, they will strive to become your hero once they can spot the fact that you are worth it.
The commitment of men run so deep, such that he may even consider giving his life for your sake just to be your hero. In return, all he wants is to be assured that if it all comes down to nothing, you would still have his back. To men, honour and loyalty is the code that must not be broken for love to prevail.
Here is what I am saying. To keep your man, you must show that you love, honour and respect him and importantly, you must show that you trust him. If you haven’t been able to get this fundamental fact, it may become difficult for you to grow your relationship to the next level.
You want that man to commit himself to you; then you must build trust with him and never break it. Trust is a way of life to him; a piece of his natural being. Once you break that trust, it may be difficult for you to regain it back.
9. You are always in a hurry to tie him down:
The truth is the fear of commitment is a type of concern that most men strive to conquer. However, women are always in a hurry to want that man to commit to them hence their biggest mistake. Once you are always wagging the issue of commitment in his face, trust me he would get scared and run like hell.
Yes, you both had your first date and probably your first kiss after the date and then maybe a walk home and the next thing you start to put a name tag on him such as my boyfriend, my fiance or my husband. Once that man notices it, two things come to his mind, he sees the desperation in you, and he understands the need for commitment.
Once he is not ready for it, he will definitely run away. Basically, you must understand that as much as most women like to claim their men, men, on the other hand, love their freedom. Their masculine sense shows the other way when their liberty is threatened.
Now, this doesn’t mean that they won’t eventually commit to you; sure they will once they are convinced that it is worth it, but they hate to be rushed into that decision. So stop thinking that because you guys went on a first date and he was smitten by you, that means next week, you guys are headed to the altar.
No, it doesn’t work that way. Most men are processed beings. They love to do things in the process, and as their very person demands logic and reason, they work with that setting. For them to commit fully to you, they will ask themselves legitimate questions that will entail questioning what you are bringing to the table.
10. You don’t inspire him enough to see and believe in a future with you:
You want the truth, dating is competition. It is like a dog eat dog out there. Every human and this includes both men and women alike wants so much to have something to do with someone who serves as a source of inspiration to us.
Every one of us wants a partner who helps us when we are down and at our lovely moments, which allows us to stand when we seem to be falling, who can’t do anything but help us when we need it.
Men consider it a big gain when they are with a woman who inspires them to do better with themselves. They always feel blessed when they have a woman who merely gets them even when they have spoken only a few words. If you want that man to commit to you, then you must inspire him. If you are the type that doesn’t know much about what he does in terms of adequate knowledge, then endeavour to educate yourself.
It never hurts to know a little about everything. It makes you not lag in discussions, and it leaves your man with the sense of confidence that you can handle anything.
Become your man’s inspiration, his peace of mind, trust him, respect him, love him enough to show it. Don’t be the kind of woman who always constantly needs reassurance because her self-esteem is pretty much very low and don’t push him into a hasty commitment.
By avoiding all these mistakes, you can be assured that he will not run out the door and even if he does, then it simply means the problem is from him; he is too blind to simply see and understand the kind of rare gem that he has lost. If that be the case, then it isn’t your loss, it is his loss.
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Originally Authored By: Deborah Turner